Tacq and I had an enjoyable time in Nagrand.  I took him to one of the floating islands with a basket bursting with food.  He ate almost all of it and said he enjoyed it as well.  That made me happy in that small feminine part of me that I tend to crush into oblivion more often than not.  When he offered to help clean up I refused and had it done with in seconds.  He smiled and said "You're something else, you know that?"

Every time we're together he says or does something that just melts my heart.  He said I have the prettiest eyes he's ever seen.  Coming from anyone else it would have made me laugh, but from him, with that sincere way he as of speaking, I blushed like a stupid girl.  The fact that he doesn't get ruffled when I get myself into trouble, just taking things as they come; it's like I can finally breathe around him.

He told me a story about Eurekaa, how she was learning to be a chef and ended up getting into a baking fight with a succubus and gathering the freshest ingredients from a farmer.  It was oddly hilarious.  At the end Tacq bemoaned not having the succubus around to make the cherry pie that Eurekaa attempted to learn from the succubus.  I told him he could just ask me.  He asked if I was seeing a farmer on the side that he didn't know about.  I was shocked for all of five seconds and then I punched him in the shoulder.  He just laughed and said he'd love anything I might make for him.

Of course, when it was all said and done, we took advantage of the fact that Nagrand is no longer a hub of activity.  Even when playful or passionate, the man is so gentle with me it almost breaks my heart.  He sees me as a woman, as a person; he doesn't define me by what I do.

I am now back with the red flight, fighting and watching dragons tear one another apart.  It's painful to watch, but I know that if I ever want a life with Tacq, then I need to do this now to make sure that life may one day be peaceful.

I had a dream last night that Tacq was playing with a group of young kaldorei children.  I watched them use him like a tree, climbing and swinging from him.  He was laughing and teasing them, tossing them into the air or swinging them upside down.  Eventually they noticed me, these young children of different ages and all at once they shouted, "Momma!" and raced toward me.  I was so shocked I woke myself up.  And when I did wake up I was shaking.  That wasn't a nightmare, but the idea of me being a mother, that my subconscious is thinking of me being a mother, well, that scares the shit out of me.

I just need to put the dream out of my mind and focus on what's important: surviving another day of fighting this war.

I'm finally feeling as if I'm getting the hang of riding the red drakes into battle.  They're intelligent, encouraging and they don't stare at me as if I'm a snack.  I am finding pleasure in being useful and welcome, even admired for my work and dedication to the Red Flight.

I am not so pleased, however, with how things have turned out with Gelles and Harod.  I want Gelles to be happy, she is as close to me as my sister once was.  But I do not think that Harod will make her happy.  In fact, I think that if she and him continue as they are, she will end up unhappy as she was with Enrik.

However, I apologized to them both for interrupting their date and I've washed my hands of it.  I refuse to watch her self destruct again in order to help someone.  I will not witness her dying a martyr.  Of course, if she does die because of that abomination; he'll find soon that while he may be a giant, he isn't invincible.  He'll go down and hard.

I spoke with Tacq about what happened the other night.  When bringing things up to him I always feel trepidation at first.  When I bring problems to Gelles it's because I have no other choice and that's only because I'm willing to endure her disapproval of what I am for her help.  With Tacq, I am finding I don't need to worry.  He accepts who and what I am without question and is usually in agreement with me or is willing to readily forgive my mistakes.

I don't think I could have asked Elune for a better partner than Tacq.  We aren't disgustingly in love like some of the couples I see cuddling and even making out in the cities.  But we have a mutual understanding and respect that I am still marveling over.  The love that I feel for Tacq is something beyond anything I've felt in the past.  I think I've finally found a best friend who I can relate to on all levels.

I asked Tacq to meet me on the Aldor Rise entrance to Nagrand and to wear casual clothes.  I'm going to make food for us and we're going to find an island close by and enjoy our night.  No distractions, no death; just us.

Gelles sent word that I should meet her in Duskwood of all places.  I went thinking it would be because she needed my swords for something.  It turned out she wanted to apologize.  She asked me how my date with Tacq was.  I was pretty surprised and probably a bit of a jerk about it at first.  I figured she was doing it because she thought that's how she should behave.

After awhile of talking though she seemed relaxed and we actually had a normal conversation.  We talked about a lot of things.  And I finally explained to her what all the scars on my chest and back were from.  I'd met her about six months after I got them.  She was there when I went nuts and killed every damn Defias in sight, but I don't think she ever really knew why I'd done it.

I asked her the same question I asked Tacq, "Do you think I'm evil?"  With Tacq it was just to find out if everyone thought it.  He said no.  Gelles said no too, but with a sort of quiet acceptance.  It wasn't until later, when I spoke to her about her reactions to what I do that she pieced together the reason I asked her if she thought I was evil.  She seemed upset and probably a little offended.  She can't blame me for wondering though, especially with the way she acts some times.

She still refuses to truly admit it, but I know she has feelings for that death knight Harod, it's why she's trying so damn hard to change him.  She didn't realize it until I pointed it out that the last guy she was in love with killed her.  Or nearly so anyway.  Apparently she didn't realize the similarities until that point.

I love Gelles like a sister, but that woman is blind to herself and to others around her.  I swear she only sees what she wants to see.

Though in the case of her fighting in that underground club, I'm glad she isn't aware that I'm there and actually fighting.  She's likely staring at the ground and psyching herself up for her fights, which is why she gets creamed half the time.  Perhaps Kohl and I need to have a talk about setting up a fight between the two of us.  She needs some sense knocked into her.

And now I need to track down Tacq so that I can track down Mekaenos.  He's followed me around often enough.  I think he owes me a favor and I intend to cash in on it by having him follow someone else instead.

I told Gelles I want nothing more to do with Gelki.  She actually attempted to persuade me into believing that she is not a bad person.  Right.  And I haven't killed people.

Then I attempted to ask her about wearing a dress.  And attempted to tell her about Tacq.  I got so angry with her.  She just can't relax, she can't let anything go.  And I'm finding the longer I'm near her, the more I can't stand to be myself.  Her very presence screams to me that I'm a worthless killer.

What do you do when your best friend could end up trying to kill you?  It's a possibility if Gelki doesn't stay the hell away from me and those I love.  Gelles is determined to protect her.  I won't kill Gelles, not ever.  But she may have to kill me.  And perhaps I may deserve it.

I spent New Years Eve with Tacq.  He took me to a beautiful restraunt where he discovered I'm a vegetarian.  We talked about his memory loss and I offered to help however I can.  If Korlyn and Eurekaa can discover a way to stop it or even reverse it, then I'll do whatever I can to help with it.

Then he took us up to the top of the tallest tower and we looked out over the city while Mekamule serenaded us.  I'm pretty sure I blushed over that.  Which is just stupid because I'm hardly a blushing virgin.  Tacq just surprises me with his thoughtful ways and I'm not prepared to handle the care he gives me.  

I showed, by pressing my hip against his, that my dress, while outrageously purple and skimpy, was also a deadly weapon.  I had Lanfith sew in a holder for my favorite set of throwing knives.  He laughed and said Korlyn owed him money.  Apparently they'd made a bet on whether I would be packing or not.  I had to laugh.  And it turns out he found a way to include a sawed-off shot gun in his suit.

I tried to explain to him what he means to me.  And what does the man say?  That he loves me too.  Am I so transparent?  Am I so foolish as to try this love thing yet again?  Haven't the last three disasters taught me anything?

Apparently not.  Tacq isn't a coward, not in any way.  When did I become one?  I apologized to him for it and told him I loved him too.  And the big lug forgave me.

Of course then I raced him back home to show him how much.  Right after I punished him for laughing at Gelles' nickname for me.

Captain Longears indeed.

It's been far too long since I wrote in this journal.  I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing in it now, except that perhaps now, more than ever, I feel the need to keep a record of my thoughts and experiences.

Gelles and I found ourselves caught up in a battle we were not expecting.  And when it was all over King Wrynn declared that the Horde were to be destroyed.  I am not surprised by this, he suffered at their hands when they forced him to fight in their arenas.  But what I think he's forgetting is that while Thrall grew up in such an environment all he did was take his people and leave the human lands.  Of course Thrall then came to Kalimdor and started killing my people's forest, but that is another situation all together.

Once we left the throne room, Gelles started saying things that were borderline treason.  Yes, it was wrong for the King to say what he did, but to actually declare that you won't serve Stormwind because of his orders?  That's just foolish.  Stormwind and the human nation is more than just its king, its the total sum of its people.  To not serve them would be to turn her back on them all.

Killing the Horde has never been a goal of mine and while I served my time fighting in the battle grounds, I never once made a kill I didn't have to.  And I'll be damned if I start now.  Horde or not, my purpose is to defeat the Lich King.

Gelles and I had a bit of a falling out, but it seems we're back on track again and she's once again with me in Northrend.  Too many other things have served as a distraction. 

One thing that is actually a pleasant distraction, however, is Tacq.  I cannot decide what I like the most about him, but his easy going nature is certainly near the top of the list.  The fact that he's two feet taller than I am, yet acts as if my punches hurt makes him somewhat endearing as well; even if I know better.  Of course, I'm not actually trying to hurt him either.  And I find that I hope I never will.

It's strange that while I started the relationship purely for physical reasons, I find myself enjoying his company far more than I expected.  My affection for him sneaked up on me; much like I sneak up on him.  I've yet to decide if he really doesn't know I'm there.  He's a convincing actor if that's the case.  He takes things so casually, yet he surprised me with his worry over my safety when a certain dark figure from my past hinted that I might not be well.

I close now, for I have little spare time as it is and I still have to seek out presents for Tacq and, of all people, the android fangirl, Mekamule.  It's all too surreal at times.

I destroyed a Nightmare creature today.  That makes one for every day that I've been alive.  I think.  I'm young for a Kal'dorei.  Aren't I?

She was suppose to have returned by now, but she hasn't.  Allorna that is.  Isn't it?

Why am I here again?

Music keeps playing, but when I try to find the source, it stops, so I've stopped looking.  It's really quite beautiful, but always just out of reach.  I ache to move closer to its tantalizing source.

I felt someone nearby.  They weren't of the dream, but they were there, none the less.  I wonder if they were near my body.  I've been tempted to travel back while Allorna is away, but I don't dare yet.  I'm afraid she'll release more of those nightmares.  They made me so tired last time.

The nightmares here are stronger each time they come for me.  What if I can't stop them next time?  Will I die if they take me?  Will I go to Elune if they do?

~~ ~  Where are mother and father ~~ ~

Allorna returned briefly.  She's distracted by something.  Her focus is not on the Dream and the Nightmare, so her presence here is unstable.  It takes all my energy to keep her here.

One does not sleep in the Emerald Dream, but one can still have Nightmares and not just the kind that inhabit the dream.  I'm sure she didn't mean for it to happen, but all the same, having to destroy manifested demons has drained me.  I'm so tired~~~

It's a good thing I like the color green.  It's quite now.  I wonder how much longer before it starts up again.  Allorna is gone again.  I wonder where she goes~

I dreamed about a troll.  Well, that's not quite right, I remembered a troll, except he was drifting on the water.  I remember he loved the water.  Why do I know a troll?

I saw a Shu'halo passing by one day.  It's curious to see others in the dream, even if only in passing.  I didn't follow her, no need to, she was not here to harm.

I know so little of the Dream, but I can feel things while I'm here.

I do not miss the time before.  Though I miss those that cared for me.  I can almost see their faces~

Allorna will return soon.  I dare not let her seem me writing again, the last time was painful enough.

Who is she again?  I can't remember anymore~

[[The writing is now in the original hand of the journal, but it's written in a mixture of cryptic Zandalari and smatterings of Druidic ((indicated with the []around the writing.)) ]]

Tired.  My thoughts are [muddled and disjointed].

Xa'ru is here, [he's in danger], he is warm and welcoming, [a balm to my pain.]

Zylitha is here, [big sister is still alive?]

The guild is likely a mess, [tearing at one another like ravening dogs], self righteous and full of bleeding [hearts].

Nox is here, [my beloved saber].  He's found something, but what they won't tell me.

I hate this.  [I HATE THIS].

[[The writing has changed, it's still just as neat, but it's got an angular slant to it.  It's written in Darnassian.]]

Xyra,

I'm writing more because a few curious things have come about since tonight's guild meeting.

Xaiden is apparently a warlock.  I snarled at him when he first showed up because he didn't look like himself, I thought he was an intruder and he smelled of shadow magic.  Apparently he was dying, something about his soul fractured and then was repaired, not clue what that was all about.  Anyway, his little imp decided to show up.  I snarled at it too.  Perhaps I'm a bit biased, but Ellis doesn't treat her demons like pets or friends.  Xaiden seems to think his imp is a pet.  If he steps out of line, I'll not hesitate to take him or his imp down.  Controlling demons is one thing, but treating his situation as if he's found a new pet that can talk grates on my nerves.

Melikyen announced that she's pregnant.  It's father was a human, the healers tell her.  Apparently the undead bastard that had her body slept around a lot.  I was under the impression that draenei didn't get pregnant easily, much like us, so I'm thinking he got around a LOT with Mel's body.  She seemed nervous and contrite, very victimized.  I honestly think that her out burst that first night was her trying to deal with what that monster did to her.  That she would defend him is rather... psychotic really.  She seems rather annoyed that we were offering words of encouragement.  Yup, because I bet us berating her is so going to help her through a pregnancy.  

Is there no winning with these people?  I swear it's like they expect you to turn the other cheek because it's the decent thing to do.  Apparently if we aren't agreeing with everything they say and do with just the right amount of sap poured on, then we're cold-hearted bastards.  Sorry, but if there's demons around, I'm not one to sit idly by and ALLOW it to happen.  Don't like it?  Don't bring a demon near me.

I'm not sure what to say, Xyra.  But your people seem to have a knack for the insane.  Even if you hadn't been poisoned, I wouldn't blame you for snapping over this stuff.  They're all crazy.

I spoke with a paladin named Paradi for a time at the tail end of the meeting.  She must not have been in long, I don't remember seeing her before.  She's hesitant with her common, but she's very firm in her faith and her willingness to help.  She offered to help with you if you need any more healing.

Which reminds me, Atlus, that draenei shaman, gave me a poison cleansing totem for you.  This way you can use it if you're attacked again and no one is around.  Though I doubt you'll be alone until we find your poisoner.  Xa'ru seems adament that he won't leave your side for longer than is required for him to care for himself.

Nox continues to keep you company and stare jealously at Xa'ru when he cuddles you in his arms.  It's still strange, you being with a troll, but he's so gentle and loving with you, I can't find fault in him.

I spoke with Niainde.  She and I have a lot in common.  We've talked a few times and I've enjoyed our conversations.  I'm still a bit of a flirt, I can't help that, but it's all in fun, I can tell she cares for Avie.  I tease her a bit about the fact that Avie is so young and wasn't always a kal'dorei.  I think if we'd known one another a few thousand years ago we would have been good friends.  I hope for that now.  I have you, my sister, but a few new friends would not go amiss either.

We're swapping guard duty, Niainde, Dewberry and myself.  Xa'ru is in there with you, but I'd rather not give whomever is after you a chance to get that close to you.  I fear they are injecting the poison into you, some how.

I'll write more when I know more.

~Zylitha

[[The writing has changed, it's still just as neat, but it's got an angular slant to it.  It's written in Darnassian.]]

Xyra,

I'm writing this here to keep a log of what's been happening as you are no longer able to.  I didn't read much, though apparently a few guild mates got an eye full of your Troll while we were helping you get to safety.  I hope he isn't in danger.  I may not like the idea of you with a Troll, but he seems to honestly care for you a great deal.

Your journal mentions a note from Lanfith about meeting in Ratchet, however I found no such note in your rooms and Lanfith says she has not heard from you in several days and would never go to Ratchet to meet you.  I fear either you conjured this idea up and your poisoners caught you unaware or you were sent a note and then destroyed it.

Either way we found you on Xa'ru's ship, of all places.  You and Nox were knocked out.  Nox wasn't poisoned, but you were, again.  I cleansed it as best as I could, which is to say completely, but the damage is still there.  I can heal it, but it takes time, this isn't like an open wound that I can close and mend.

You troll is in his night saber form and is cuddle up next to you.  He's worried and angry, I can tell by his protective stance.  Nox is here in the bed next to you.  The druids were not happy that I but him there, but they don't seem inclined to try to move him.  He's away and looking rather jealous of Xa'ru at the moment.

When you awaken the healers will be summoned.  In the mean time Xa'ru, Dewberry and myself will watch you until you've recovered.  And then we're going to find who is doing this.  I'm preparing all of your food and drink so I know without a doubt it is untainted.  Though it looks like you'll be stuck with bread and fruit for now, because my cooking skills are terrible at their best.

Ellis, Niainde, Kea'lyn, a new gnome Torty and Xa'ru all helped me search for you.  We're all worried.  I can tell that they feel like you should be invincible because you are there leader.  It's rather unsettling when your leader is found to have a weakness.  But all in all, I don't think anyone would hold it against you.  And if they do, then they'll get a bear paw to the side of the head.

I'll write again if you still aren't well.

I love you, sister.  I promise I'll get you through this.

Allo  Zylitha

[[The writing is steady if a bit disjointed.]]

'Litha was here.  I'll not call you Allorna, sister.  That is NOT your name.

And I'm not little dammit, so stop calling me 'Little Star'.  That name died with Spira.  Elune, 'Litha didn't know she died.  And by my hand!

A letter from Lanfith, so I'm meeting her in Ratchet.

Nothing from Xa'ru.  I hope he's taken my advice and stayed away. I also hope everything is well with him and his daughter.  I should at least send her a note apologizing for not talking to her.  Though she's probably glad.  Might even be happier if her father leaves me.  Perhaps it's better he does.

'Litha healed me.  Someone broke in and poisoned me again.  She's been standing watch this weekend.  She's gone now. Time to go.

[[The Journal has been left open on Xyra's desk.]]

[[The writing is jerky and uneven.]]

I think 'Litha was here, but my memory is so fragmented now.  I don't understand it.  Did I dream her being here, healing me?  I feel just as miserable as I did when I woke yesterday afternoon.

I found a note from Lanfith.  She knows who is poisoning me.  I didn't know I was being poisoned, but my last few entries here state that I found that out.

I can hardly think straight.  My potions don't do a damn thing to stop this pain; I've tried everything.  My hands are so unsteady it's possible I'm not even mixing everything correctly.  That last batch of healing potion tasted like dirt from Netherstorm.

Speaking of Netherstorm, I have unfinished business with those bastard Ethereum.  That potion has got to play some part in this.  And yeah, I remember, vaguely, them saying there were risks, but they didn't specify exactly what.  Did they?

Why can't I fucking remember?

Nox is sick too, I think.  I can't tell for sure, he's sleeping way more than normal.  [[ink blotch]]  Did they poison him too?  They better not have, or I'll fucking kill them.  Whomever "them" is, they will die.

Allorna said there was a meeting last night, I think, but I cannot for the life of me remember what she said about it.

I could have sworn I wrote Xa'ru, I've mentioned it a few times in my journal, but I've heard nothing from him.  I don't know where he is.  I pray he is safe and that he stays away until this is over, I'm not strong enough to keep him from harm right now.

Of all the things that I remember, which seem to be few and foggy at best, Xa'ru is the sharpest thing in my head.  I love that troll.  I hope I live long enough to see him to the end of his days.

I woke up late, on the -floor-, with Mosaic curled up against my neck.  Nox was out cold, snoring like an elekk call.  I ache all over.  I cannot remember much of anything.  I looked at my last entry and apparently I spoke with Zylitha, but I'll be damned if I remember that conversation or even writing that entry.

I've been doing work for the Consortium.  I still have a vial of liquid in my bag that the Ethereum use in order to see these nether creatures that they use to transport data.  Apparently for them it's nothing special, but to someone with flesh and blood as their bodies?  Well, let's just say that when you drink it you feel like your brain is going to melt and run out of your ears.

Perhaps I took some of that by mistake last night?  I don't know, but I feel like shit.  I'm not moving from this bed.  In fact, I'm sending a letter to Allorna.  She can go to the meeting instead of me.  I'm not getting up for anything.

I do remember, vaguely, sending Xa'ru a letter, maybe two.  I wonder if he's gotten them?  I miss him.

Someone's been poisoning me.  

I found Zylitha.  The first thing she noticed was the poison in my body.  Slowly it's been building up, and driving me toward insanity.  She's cleansed as much as she can, but it is possible the damage is permanent.

I may no longer be fit to lead this guild.

I may no longer be fit to be with Xa'ru.

I may no longer be-

[[The ink trails off the page.]]